A friend of mine was telling me that his family was having a lot of arguments about stupid petty things. His wife and kids all wanted to do things their way until one day he said to them all
Listen family you all want this and you all want that but at the end of the day. Who’s running the show?  There was silence in the room.
Then he announced, I am the man of this house, I am the leader of this family and I’m running the show so we will do it my way.

Leadership
Every family, every community, every country and every event has to have one person at the top who’s in charge of running the show.
I am not sharing my life story with you in order to get sympathy votes, I’m sharing it because I’m being told to share it by the one in my life that’s running my show. 
Who do you think is running my show in my life and who do you think is providing me with the words to write in this book?
Some of you will know who it is and others will be just guessing.

Body mind and mad pills
It was 25 years after I shot my brother before I had my mental breakdown and I remember the time well.
It was Friday night and we had friends around for drinks and nibbles. Suddenly I had a tremendous feeling of fear come over me and I crouched down in the corner behind the couch shaking like a leaf with this feeling of fear.
I thought someone he was coming to shoot me. I could hear these footsteps coming up the drive way. Of course it was all in my imagination. My wife called the doctor and I was taken to hospital. They tried to give me pills but I would not take them because I thought they were trying to kill me.
Then I had this strange dream I dreamt I was in Noah’s Ark with all the animals and I was the one running the show.

Suicide thoughts
When they finally let me out of Hospital I was at home lying in bed feeling sorry for myself thinking about all the grief I had caused my family. I called my wife in and told her that I was sorry that I had let her down. I had caused her so much embarrassment because of all the crazy things I had done.
I said goodbye to her because I was planning to commit suicide.
Then this voice in my head said, yes you have messed up alright and now you want to make it worse by taking the cowards way out.
 You have messed up because ever since you shot your brother you have been trying to be prove to others that you are not a failure. You have tried to be the leader, the one running the show.
You have been trying to be the big shot trying to prove to others that you are in control when you are not.

Help me God
I sat up in bed and said to myself perhaps there is another way out of this valley. I cried the same human cry that we all make when we can see no light at the end of the tunnel. Oh my God if you are real and you are out there then please help me. He did help me he gave me the strength to get out of my bed and seek help.

I’m going to tell you about the treatment of my mental illness in a later chapter but in this chapter I want to share about my spiritual experience.
Up until this point I had never thought much about God. I went to Sunday school and I had heard other people talk about God the subject of religion but it did not interest me.

Who needs God
I was a big shot in town I was the Branch Manager of a major finance company. I had a company car and a low interest rate mortgage to go with my big fat salary.
I was on the committee of the Chamber of Commerce and a member of the Gentlemen’s club. I went around bowling clubs and racing clubs handing out trophies and cheques in sponsorship money. Who needs God in your life when you already think you are God by the way you are worshipped by others. One day I was cut down to size.
Just before my mental breakdown 2 men from the local Rotary Club came into my office looking for the manager. I was the manger but they ignored me and invited my assistant manager to become a member of their Rotary club
I thought it was a bit strange at the time but then I reasoned that they probably heard I was once a greasy sheep shearer and besides I did not attend the right school.
 After I had my mental break down all that stuff did not matter any more. After 9 years service the finance company gave me 12 months holiday pay and told me not to come back. I can’t say I blame them after all who wants a man that has suffered from mental problems running the show.
As I was getting my life back together I kept running into people who called themselves Christians. When they heard my story they suggested I should try God. They told me that there was a spiritual war going in the world between God and Satan.
It reminded of playing cowboys an Indians. God must be the leader of the good guys and Satan must be the leader of the bad guys.
I wanted to be on the side of the good guys but I first had to meet God.

My friend Wag
I was in charge of our family dog at the time and his name was Wag.
The kids got him as a give away from a cocky.  Half spaniel and half sheep dog . I came home from work one day and here was this mut on the lawn, skinny as a rake and about as scared as I was when I thought someone was going to shoot me. I said to my 2 daughters at the time you cant have that thing for a pet don’t you know you are not allowed a sheep dogs in town.
He had only been at our place for all of 10 minutes and they said, Dad we can’t get rid of him now we are too atached to him. I’m a bit of a softy when it comes to kids and animals so in a big loud growly voice I said Ok you keep him but you kids have to feed him and walk him everyday and by the look of the ugly mut him you had better call him wag. If you are a parent you can guess the rest of the story.
I took Wag for a walk everyday because the kids had become teenagers and had failed in their promise to walk him and feed him.

The Bridge to Life.
Someone had given me a small booklet called The Bridge to Life.
It explained how when we are born we are separated from God and we must build a bridge and invite God to come across the bridge and join us. At the back of the book was a prayer.
I had never prayed in my life so while walking with Wag one day I read the prayer out aloud to my  friend Wag. He seemed to enjoy the prayer because he kept wagging his tail more than usual. When I got home from my walk I just new something had changed inside of me. I had a feeling of joy and peace that I had never felt before. What had happened I had finally let go of the reins. I had given up trying to run the show on my own and in a simple prayer with Wag as a witness I handed everything over to God.
It’s now over 20 years since I made that commitment to God and everyday I have to keep reminding myself that he is the one running my show. God is also running everyone elses show provided they have humbled themselves before God by building a bridge and invited God over their bridge to meet him.
I’m going to write a whole chapter about my spiritual journey later in this book but in the meantime please feel free to share these first 5 chapters of this is my Journey with others.

As we travel down the pathway of life there are both good things and bad things that happen to us. While preparing to write this book I wrote down a list of all the bad things that have happened to me. Then I wrote down a list of all the good things that have happened to me and the good things far outweighed the bad things. I also noticed that if some of the bad things had not occurred then many of the good things would not of followed. Hence that saying out of everything bad comes something good.

I worked as a shepherd and tractor driver on the sheep station that my father managed for a year after I left school. My Mother did not like me working on the farm she wanted me to have a career so she got me a job in Hamilton as a stock clerk for a Stock & Station Agency. I worked there for 2 years and I can honestly say learnt more there in those 2 years than I ever did at in my 3 years at secondary school. I worked in the office doing administration work and also went out to the stock sales with the auctioneers to pen up the stock and record the sales. It was great work and I loved it.

Facing our fears
We are told that one of our biggest fears in life is public speaking. The only way to overcome any fear is to face it head on.

My boss called me into his office and told me the time had come for me to take some more responsibility and would I take a company car and go to the Pirongia sale which is a small rural settlement near Te Awamutu in the Waikato. I was over the moon driving this new car and I even got shouted lunch in the Hotel.

The Auctioneer and I climbed up on the rail to sell the cattle and he said to me. I will swap your books Ron. You do the auctioning and I will record the sale. What he was asking me to do was to talk in front of a group of people for the first time of my life. I looked down and the buyers were looking up at me waiting for me to start. I looked down at the cows and they looked back up at me waiting for me to start. I was in the deep end and I had the choice to either swim or drown.
I took a deep breath and I started to auction the cattle. I knew the cattle were worth at least 20 pounds but I not could not get a bid. One buyer yelled out 10 pounds. I took the bid and asked for a dollar bid. One buyer offered half which was 50 shillings then other buyer offered half again which was 2 shillings and sixpence.

The buyers had obviously been wised up to fact that this was my first effort at as an auctioneer and they were making me work for it. For those of you who remember the pounds shillings and pence days can imagine how hard it would have been for me to go from 10 pounds to 20 pounds in two and six penny bids. I call this experience my first maiden speech and I was so proud of myself that I had overcome my fear and had a go.  My boss trained me and I went on to be a very good auctioneer.

The only trouble with my job at the stock firm was that it did not pay much and living away from home was not cheap. I had to get part time jobs. After work I would clean offices and windows and in the weekends I would shear sheep for dairy farmers in Hamilton who owned just a few sheep. One day I shore my first 100 sheep and the farmer gave me a 5 pound note. I could not believe that I could earn that much money in a day considering the stock firm was only paying me 7 pounds ten shillings for a weeks work. I was also paying out half my wages in board & lodgings.

I loved the sale yards and the life of an auctioneer but I looked at some of the men who had been with the company for several years and they were driving company cars and living in a rented houses. They all seemed to have a wallet full of money but no assets to show for it. I wanted more than that so I left the stock firm and became a full time sheep shearer. It was not long before I was earning more money in a day than my father was earning in a week.
I spent 10 years of my working life a shearer and I enjoyed every year of it and I will share some of those years with you in later chapter.
The day I left the stock firm I was presented with an alarm clock and my boss said to me. Always go to bed early and get up early. You have a good loud voice make sure you make use of it again some day.

More wise words came from my mother who had a major influence on my life and I’m going tell you about this wonderful lady in my next chapter

Note: The beginning of this book starts at the botom of the page

After reading the last chapter you are probably saying to yourself what is this guy on about. He claims to be a motivational coach and yet he is making me feel depressed with his hard luck stories.
You must understand that this is my journey not yours and I’m telling it like it was back then in order for you to appreciate how different my life is today.
The reason I’m sharing my journey through life with you is because I want you to learn from my mistakes of the past and for me to do that then I’m afraid there is no gain without pain.
Janine was the first born sibling in our family of 8 followed by another sister Barbara.
Then there was Kenneth but his life only lasted a few days. I was the next to be given life followed closely by my sister Heather.

My Sister Heather
It was a day of excitement for me when I put on my new uniform getting ready for my first day at College. I went into the lounge room to show my young sister how good I looked. The look on my sister’s face was not something I expected. She was lying on the floor kicking and shaking all over. I thought my healthy young 11 year old sister was dying. The doctor came and she was diagnosed with epilepsy. It was a mental illness that I didn’t understand and one that I never bothered to learn about.
All I could think about was the embarrassment I felt whenever Heather rolled her eyes or fell down kicking in front of my friends. My parents did their best in trying to allow Heather to lead a normal life but things were so difficult for her. My sister died in her early 30’s after her frail body could no longer cope with the mental pressure of epileptic seizures. While I felt guilty about taking my young brothers life I felt more guilty about the way I treated my young sister.
As a teenager I did not want my young sister hanging around in my company embarrassing me in front of my friends. My parents and I had several arguments because I would not take my sister to the dances or the movies with me. I did not want to see her rolling her eyes of falling over in front of my friends. I can remember her at my wedding reception she fell off the chair and everybody stared. If ever I wanted God to forgive me for one of my biggest sins in life it would be the way in which I failed to accept my sisters illness. I wish she was still alive so I could love her they way all sisters should be loved.

My Brother Bill
After Heather came my next younger brother Bill. For some strange reason I never cemented a bonding relationship with Bill and I still don’t today. Whenever we get together we often finish up yelling at each other for childish reasons. As the oldest boy in the family I was always the one my parents called on for help and my younger brother Bill was quite jealous. I remember once when we were both teenagers, Bill gave me a shove and told me to get off my high horse. I reacted wrongly and we had a stand up fist fight while my father stood by and let us fight. My father was from the old school believing all boys need to find their pecking order in a family.
As I was the oldest and strongest boy my brother got the black eyes and the thick lip.
We both went to rugby the next day and I was the one who got called a big bully by my mates.

My Brother Kevin

 Kevin was the baby of our family of 8 and he was the one that got spoilt.
Although my father was a kind father I don’t ever remember him giving me a cuddle. One day I saw him cuddling my brother Kevin and I don’t know why but I felt so jealous.
After Trevor died I put all my brotherly love and affection towards Kevin. We became the best of mates. Kevin was a great Rugby player. He played half back and dreamed of playing for the All Blacks one day.
He came down to the South Island to stay with us and have a holiday. I took him to work with me and it was great time of bonding for us both.
A few weeks after he returned home I received a call from my mother telling me that Kevin had been taken to hospital and diagnosed with leukemia. I will never forget wheeling him around the hospital gardens with his hair falling out I just knew I was about to lose another brother.
I felt so helpless after all what do you say to your young brother that was your best mate and you know he is about to die and leave you forever.
He died at the tender young age of 19 and left me wondering why.
Two brothers and a sister taken out of my life. What was God doing to me and who would be next?

As we travel down the pathway of life many bad things happen to us along the way and often we are left wondering why did this happen to me? My story is no different to many stories of people that have experienced tragedy on their journey through life. I share my story in the hope that others may find comfort to learn that they are not alone in bearing such pain.

I was just 16 years of age when I accidentally killed my 11 year old brother. I was in my last year of high school I was in the 1st Rugby 15 and had just come second in the school cross country event.
I was a very fit young lad in those days. My father managed a Lands & Survey block of land for the government. It was 2000 acres of scrub and bush and the land was being broken in for farming. When we moved to the property I was introduced for the first time to the sport of pig hunting and deer stalking. I took a real liking to the sport. As a fit young boy there was no bigger thrill than to go chasing a wild pig trough the bush alongside a pack of pig dogs. Once the dogs had cornered the pig I would catch it by the hind leg, tip it on its back and stab it with a sharp pig sticking knife though the throat. Then my friend and I would stand back and watch it bleed to death. They called it sport and I knew no different.
Deer stalking was another of my passions in my teenage years. In the roaring season we would stand on the edge of the bush and make a noise like a stag. The roar of a stag is to challenge other stags to a dual and the one that wins gets to keep the hinds during the mating season. The stags would hear me roaring and come crashing through the bush expecting to meet another stage for a dual. What they would get instead is a bullet through the head from my 303 rifle.
They also called that human behavior sport.

How I killed it’s Mother
I was a lovely clear summer’s morning when my friend and I climbed the hill behind our house with our 303 rifles ready to shoot some more deer. We were walking along a fence line when a mother hind and her baby fawn appeared before us. When they saw us they took fright and ran up a hill. I quickly cocked my rifle and took a wild shot as they disappeared over the brow of the hill. When we walked up the hill we found that the bullet from my rifle had penetrated through the back of the mother deer’s scull and killed her instantly. We then heard a bleating sound and looked around and saw this little baby fawn with its ears sticking up amongst the thistles. It had discovered its mother was no longer by its side so it had come back looking for her. My friend wanted to shoot it but I stopped him and the little baby deer ran off into the bush crying for its mother. That night and for many nights later I could not sleep thinking of what might of become of that little baby fawn. How would it cope on his own without a Mum to protect it and teach it about to survive as a little wild deer. I wondered if it would he find another Mum that would look after it? I felt sick in the stomach and did not want to see another rifle again. I felt like a murderer because I had intentionly killed a baby deer’s mother. How would I be able to go through life carrying such guilt.?

Harsh Punishment.
I did not realize it at the time but a few weeks later I learnt one of the great lessons about life. Life is like a boomerang, what ever you give out in this world it will always come back to you and I was about to receive my punishment.

There was no school bus past our gate so during the week I boarded with one of my school mates and his parents. To pay for my board I lent a hand to milking 100 dairy cows every night and morning. It was a long weekend and my friend asked if he could come and spend the weekend with me on our farm. I asked him if he had a rifle and he said, no but he could borrow a .22 rifle of the neighbor. There were 5 of us boys at home on the farm that weekend. My 3 younger brothers my friend and myself. Saturday morning’s entertainment was to see who was the best shot with a rifle.
 We put tins up on a wooden gate and we would shoot them off. I was by far the best marksman. Mother called us in for lunch and I was first to finish my lunch and ran outside eager to set up another target. Outside our house was a tank stand for the water and underneath the tank stand was a generator that generated our power. After setting up my target I went behind the tank stand and to steady the rifle I learnt my elbow on the tank stand to give me the perfect shot. I pulled the trigger and what happened next was the beginning of something that completely changed the direction of my life.

My Brother Trevor

I recall a body falling down in front of me and I froze when I saw blood squirting out from my young brothers head. I had shot him at close range through the side of the head. He had followed me out of the house to join in with the fun and had run directly into my line of fire. It was a long way to the hospital in the Ford V8. As my parents and I sat in the waiting room of the hospital to learn the fate of my young brother I remember thinking to myself what if he lives and becomes a living vegetable. How would I be able to live with that?
I felt so upset and so guilty that I would have accepted my punishment if I had of been charged with manslaughter but the police decided it was an accident. My parents sent me away to my Uncle and Auntie’s place to help me get over it but I never did.
It took me many years to forgive myself for what I had done to my brother and to that baby deer’s mother. Today I have finally found the strength to share my story publicly for the first time. I have chosen to share it not because I want self pity but because I want others to know that life is not fair but these things do happen on our journey through life and they happen to us for a reason.
I will talk about my reason in a later chapter.